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In 2012, I did something I had never done before. I made a scientific discovery, gave it a name, and created an acronym. Pretty good for someone who skipped college and may or may not have graduated high school (a story for another day).

It’s known as “Social Media Assisted Career Suicide Syndrome”, or “SMACSS”. You know it must be a real thing if Grok says so:

What I’ve learned since then is that SMACSS does not discriminate. It afflicts people of all ages, genders, races, nationalities, and political persuasions. It has upended families and impacted thousands of lives. As I write this, there’s a massive SMACSS outbreak underway. One of the largest since my discovery. This seems like the perfect time to share my exclusive SMACSS research. It’s research that shows there’s only one elusive, yet definitive cure for SMACSS.

The pendulum constantly shifts over who is likely to be stricken. While there are other means of transmission, SMACSS predominantly spreads with the news of the day. By paying close attention to the headlines, a keen scientific mind like mine can usually predict what group of people will be impacted by the next SMACSS outbreak. If you believe that your side – or tribe, for my fellow sociologists – somehow carries superior antibodies, making them more immune to SMACSS, trust me when I tell you the evidence shows you’re wrong.

A universal symptom of those brought down by the syndrome is to suddenly blurt out, “Whatever happened to freedom of speech in this country and the First Amendment?” The doctor then has to break the sad news to the patient that 1A is not really an effective vaccine for SMACSS, though it may provide some protection if they are employed by the government. Even then, the patient often goes through what may be painful tests with names like Garcetti and Pickering (if unfamiliar, I urge you to click the link). Some survive. Some don’t. And for those who claim it wasn’t this way in the good old days, think again. The Pickering test has been around for almost 60 years. But what has changed over those decades?

My research points to an extremely rapid evolution of the human brain. Darwin would be fascinated. Most of us now go into panic mode or display instant withdrawal symptoms when there isn’t a powerful communications device within reach or actually attached to our bodies. In the good old days, only a printing press or a TV/radio transmitter could do what this tool enables you to do all by yourself. It gives you the ability to share your innermost thoughts with the rest of the world. I’m talking about things that most people only whispered to their closest friends and loved ones. Now, many are compelled to share those once private thoughts with thousands or even millions of strangers. For some reason that I can’t yet explain, many will also throw in close-up pictures of their fresh surgery scars. Understanding that behavior will require considerably more research.

When you purchase that special communications tool, there are also lots of add-ons and options available. There are apps, gadgets, and even insurance policies in case tragedy strikes and the devices are damaged or lost. Despite AI and the rest of our highly advanced timeline’s amazing technological improvements, there is one item that remains unavailable for purchase. That, of course, is good sense. You still have to supply that yourself. My research has determined that if applied liberally (even if you consider yourself a conservative), it remains the best SMACSS prevention that money can’t buy.